I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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