So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
