Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
