just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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