we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
