party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You left your phone here
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