She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
