Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?