you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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