Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
