it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
