I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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