I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
