Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
