I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
