All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
