sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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