guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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