He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
