the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
