i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
