Yo dont text me then not text me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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