its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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