i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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