gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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