Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
