there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
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Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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