Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
