What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
