She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
