she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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