it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
