Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
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The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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