Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
