i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
