I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
