You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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