Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My life is pants optional.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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