I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
