I wish I only lived at night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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