Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
