Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
