things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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