If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
