I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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