i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
