yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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