I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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