i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
