Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
