i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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