Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
