just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
