I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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